For 2021 with all going on and as well as some mental illness issues near when they gave the ok to allow some version of bike racing it was decided to see how racing various distances would effect both the physical injuries 2 years after being hit. As well as how it would effect the mental injuries like PTSI and Anxiety also caused by the same incident.
Sure while had done the BDFR earlier it wasn't a race type environment so there wasn't the things one deals with racing that you don't in that type of ride.
But the BDFR ride did give a rough idea of things. So first full race try was to be the Scrappy Badger Gravel Race put on by Substance Projects. I would be approaching this with simply a get it done mindset. But unfortunately about two weeks or more out there was an incident at a local beer league event. Simply put despite being told by race organizer to call your pass.
Well it happened....two riders passed closely to the point could have swung arm and hit them easily. When I said " Come on, call your pass please." Was basically told chill out and was my fault which basically wrecked the day. And triggered badly my PTSI and anxiety.
What no one else knows till now is that up till the Saturday morning of Scrappy Badger I didn't know if would race. I mean how it took a friend several days to help me around it my head. to convince me that it wasn't my fault. As well as a few other rides that helped get that to the point of at least considering doing it three days out. Reality while it isn't as bad as in 2019 still today all it takes is depending on how it happens someone being to close riding or how they behave and attitude it triggers PTSI and start wondering if it was them that hit me and ran. Till the morning of Scrappy Badger even though had come down and camped out in the Dirt Bag Ute still had doubts of starting because of my mental illness.
So reality is alot of doubt on the mental illness side on how the day would evolve once started. And in this as the race report above points out while some was ok the memory issue is very concerning even 4 months later. And a few weeks later coming to the Northumberland Humbler in the long 40km the memory issue was concerning as had know clue if would happen again nor what might be able to do to work around it.
And in the end even though the memory issues didn't decide to come for the race. Reality was that within the first lap morale wasn't great as couldn't figure out if as they say heart wasn't in it to race anymore or the anxiety, PTSI, and Depression wasn't getting in the way or as I refer it their volume was up about setting 7-8. And the reality is that on the third lap while had gotten the mental illness volumes down to setting 5 the physical injuries component started to turn up their volumes. So while did finish the reality after is that once past a certain time a long event aka race with no breaks to chill like when did the BDFR anything past 25km is now race event wise a no go.
But like anything this was a theory and still needed another exam to confirm the previous analysis. To achieve that had to do another exam but this time a shorter one. Fortunately Substance Projects was doing a race near Kingston on the private land trails of MTB Kingston.
And this outing despite the weather the shorter race distance kept the issues from the neck down at a dull roar. But from the neck up issues around mental illness well was still hyper vigilant. And looking back it is hard to know if how I raced was negatively effected by all the worry and hyper vigilance or not.
Physically what have learned that at a certain point in time that trail wise doing events or a ride non stop past about the 2 and a half hour mark or about 25-29km is pretty much out. These are rough guesstimates as like anything there is so many factors that can cause things to change when the get triggered like weather pressure and temperatures. If am to do any ride that goes above that as proven by the BDFR aka Epic Ride only way to get it to work is plan at certain points to stop and chill for a while before resuming for however long it takes to give everything a timeout. Or as I would call it riding in the old 2007 Don Rat style which was rides with lots of breaks to view the the scenery. So really this means that races beyond 20km are out.
And while I write about this even four months later am not feeling great about it at all. Because how do you explain how mentally demoralizing it has been to lose the ability to race certain distances through things caused by someone else's choices? Because of it all don't know anymore if I care to do more then just be race crew at certain events now as two years on still get hyper vigilant when people pass to close or suddenly appear without calling out. Is the best possibility only do one event per year or do none? Reality is racing is a good thing and was an important part of options for riding for me but right now see no way to get around these issues as it is exhausting when trying to always work around it. While some will say it is all ok you can still do Strava and what not but reality it doesn't acknowledge things have changed in many ways
Unlike where I grew up in Lower Mainland BC there is no Club Fat Ass group who run events for fun and who create both group events and just challenges that can be done at anytime. It seems it is only a west coast thing. But I cannot think of if was back there I would be able to access it and maybe it would be a way to do some kind of event where would be less worry of mental illness being triggered or injuries.
Reality 2021 race wise learned more about how both physical and mental injuries are effected long term but part of that learning is that right now may have to find other ways to be competitive outside of racing. And that has been hard to my PTSI, Depression, and anxiety.
If you like these adventures please support Team No Fixed Income
https://www.patreon.com/user?u=49330632
Comments